Recently (after a minor prang) I have been thinking that the sensible thing to do would be to trade down my car, go for something smaller, cheaper etc etc. My car is beautiful, it was ordered and made to my specifications and has so many add ons and gadgets, but it fits with my old life. The life where I headed up a department for a large merchant bank, where I had a team of people and regulatory responsibility for the retail side of operations. But that’s not my life anymore. I have gone from long hours in the office to long hours in the house. From board meetings to hospital appointments and from stilettoes and suits to slippers and hospital gowns. Believe me that is not a look I am relishing. My life has changed dramatically and I am not sure I am ready to let go of my old life just yet. The problem is my body no longer listens to what I want and frankly this last week my heart has barely been able to function well enough to keep me upright and conscious. My heart seems to be slowly giving up, never mind the rest of me. For someone that is always the strong one, I certainly don’t feel it right now, I feel broken. I feel like I want someone else to be the tough one for a while, but I know that with everything going on I have to be strong, not just for me but for those around me. I have to find humour in the horrendous situations I find myself in and laugh when I should cry, just to keep everyone, including me sane, because if I fall apart, I fear those around me will as well.
I think this is probably the same restless part of me that feels I am not leaving a legacy. At the moment these feelings are a little self pitying and I need to stop wallowing and turn this around into something positive, I am just not sure what that looks like yet.
The truth is I am feeling particularly scared this week. The last trip to A&E was quite frightening, I guess the seriousness of my heart not beating fast enough is starting to dawn on me, you would think it would have dawned on me when the doctors were stood around me with atropine and defibs but clearly I am a little slow at the moment. Its probably silly to get scared of a little bradycardia, after all it is very treatable, unlike the Prinzmetal’s. However the thought of maybe having to have a device fitted in my heart to make sure it keeps beating is actually a little daunting. I am nervous that it would irritate the Prinzmetal’s because of the leads through the vascular system, but also I think it makes me realise that I am not well. It will make me have to face up to that fact because everyday in the mirror I will be able to see the scar and the small box that occasionally kicks in and keeps me alive. Still this is all a bit premature, first step is an emergency appointment with the lovely cardiologist, which is scheduled for this week.