I think I ought to put a little warning on this blog, it is WAY outside my normal writing about my health conditions. This year I have been doing therapy, it initially started to try and help me deal with living in pain and having a condition that is only going to get worse with time. However, unsurprisingly we soon delved down that rabbit-hole of my past. I would like to say that although this blog comes across as a little sad, mentally and in myself, I am the best I have every felt.
The feeling of being a motherless child - someone used this phrase with me recently and after some thought, it is actually one that really resonated with me. Having lost my mum to cancer when I was 10 years old, I was very much a motherless child. However, what got me thinking is if this ever really changes as you grow older, can that hole ever be filled. My dad re-married and I love my step mum but the older I get the more I miss the relationship that I never got to have with my mum. I was a child when she died and to be honest, she was very ill from when I was around 8 years old, so I only ever had a parent child relationship with her. I never got to have the relationship that you have as two adults.
I have to say that is actually a strange feeling. I am not sure if it is grief or an understanding that there is a part of my life that I will just never have. The big moments that make me think of my mum, my graduation, my wedding, are always a little strange because I don’t know how to feel. I feel sad that my mum isn’t there but then I think it is my inner child that feels sad because the adult me doesn’t know how to feel because I never knew my mum as an adult. So, I actually end up just feeling kind of empty.
I was doing a restorative yoga session recently and a particular pose just brought over a waive of grief, that I just wasn’t expecting. I mean seriously no one expects to cry at yoga and there I was desperately blinking away tears. The pose in particular, brought back memories of treatments I had had for various gynae issues and in particular the cervical cancer. I had a total hysterectomy and removal of both tubes and ovaries when I was 29. In that moment I shed a tear for the one thing I never let myself think about. I shed a tear for the child I will never have. So does that make me a motherless child and a childless mother?